You know their family, their best friends. You know the way she talks, about how weird some strangers behaving, and smile when she keeps calling my name unintentionally.Know the time they've eaten in a day, down to what, and best thing about her was, how she articulate the words, her worries, her hopes, and fears.
She tells me everything. About her passion, about past and future,the wills and will nots. Even things she don't really want to talk about. Sure, every littlest thing about her makes you remember, and the pain of loss is much greater -as i forget her laugh, her actual self as of the first day i met her.
It makes you wonder, what it is about you that not just her,or the next girl, love but cannot seem to keep. You at your purest, most refined, never fully embraced and then neglected.
Your memories are never bitter, never stale but always remembered, appreciated. You laugh with them, cry, scream, and rant. And one day you actually realize you love her so much, but aren't yours to love.
Sometimes it hurts like hell, and all of sudden, some old songs just popped out reminiscing the exact moment that remind you of one of your almost wife. You feel gutted, but at the same time, it feels therapeutic, and you feel you have move on.
But at the end of the day, its like terminal disease, perhaps a cancer. Because there is no ring to return, or settlements to sign. You just go with the pure heartbreak, with millions question, and answer to return. And its just you, asking question, with you and you alone, answering. And in the end, you feel guilty of your own assumptions.
Sad, as time flies, no angry words, or bad memories to feel guilty for. There's just you, leaving impact -imprints, on everyone troubled lives.
Que sera-sera.
Time for a change. Big change.
No comments:
Post a Comment